I love talking to my grandma and my mom in the same day because the paradox of their philosophies gives me whiplash and a good laugh. Today though, I wish I had called my mom first to get the gutting done quickly and then called my grandma to heal the wound .
I am an English Literature graduate with a sparkling diploma currently among some papers in a Urban Outfitters bag under the bed. Once I move into my new place, however, I will be framing portraits of women who inspire me, like Harriet Tubman, the women suffragettes, Margaret Sanger, Rosa Parks, and Hilary Clinton, and I will be framing my diploma up on the wall with them. It is an incredible honor to have a college degree, let alone have one as a female. I am the first gen college grad in my immediate family and it fucking means something to me.
But I'm poor. And I will get poorer.
When I talked to my grandma about my publishing internship I told her all about meeting San Diego's former mayor whose autobiography was published by my company, and who I've been doing media promotion for these past few weeks. I told my grandma about the old Mexican gentleman of leisure author and his quick humor and old watery eyes, and all about his lecture to college students about writing techniques and how he believes in their dreams. I told my grandma that this is the career I want; this life of working with authors and books and being around of this sort of creativity really makes me happy.
My grandma agreed with every point, "Yes yes, I like that." "You are doing what makes you happy. I love that you are there in San Diego with the beach and your boyfriend and your job" "New York is where it is happening" [agreeing with me about grad school]. 'I'm very proud of you, baby." She wholeheartedly believes in me, and as I'm still struggling to have my own confidence, hers build me up and makes me try.
We also talked a little bit about my cousin's wedding I'm driving up for and when I told her that I don't mean to be selfish but I really just want to be in attendance and celebrate instead of the stress of being in the wedding party, my grandma said, "I like that. You need your rest. You work so hard and when you get here you can celebrate. I'm looking forward to seeing you." She also said not to listen to the women at my work who mistreat me because their jealous of me and that you don't need them and when I leave they'll remember me for the hard worker that I was and who they lost.
Then there's my mother.
I tell her the exact same things I told my grandma and her response was, "Are their employment opportunities when it's over?" "[about being mistreated at work] Well, that's every job." A few minutes later, "I got some papers in the mail and I won't be able to carry you on my insurance anymore." I told her that I need to have a filing redone or a possible root canal and she said to simply put some sensitivity cream on it and try to file it down again. Two different dentists have filed it down FIVE times, trust me, it needs to be replaced. I can't even eat cold cereal and cool turkey sandwiches without wincing in pain. I tell this to my mom and she tells to use more cream and look for a corporate job that has benefits. Your child can't eat cereal because pain and you blame the kid for not trying hard enough instead of the dentists who didn't do their job right? And you aren't willing to help pay for it to make it right for your kid?
Before you accuse me of being spoiled, let me put it in perspective. I have never asked my mom or step-dad for financial help. A college fund from my deceased dad paid for college, my car payments, and rent for the past 4 years and now it's more or less empty. Furthermore my mom and step-dad live richly. They've blown thousands of dollars on outdoor furniture they never sit in, they buy tons of crap from As Seen On Tv, they were both retired by him at 60 last year and her at 48 five years ago, they own thousands of dollars worth in sports memorabilia, not to mention three houses. To sum it up, they're not poor. They might be living a little tighter recently, but they're not poor.
My mom and I talked about money and I told her that November is going to be unexpectedly tight for me. Here are some numbers: I make about $1,200 a month. I'm about to move and start paying rent because I've overstayed my welcome at my bf's house where I was splitting costs so now I'll be paying $600 plus utilities. The drive up and down to the Bay Area for the wedding plus food costs plus a wedding gift is going to cost me about $250. I'm very grateful that my boyfriend's parents unexpectedly paid for plane tickets so we can go to Tahoe for Thanksgiving but to be honest, it's another 4 days I have to take off work that I wasn't planning on. With all that time off, that's about $300 I'm losing. Plus I need to pay for this tooth problem out of pocket which will probably be $300-400. Then my car registration is due which will be about $200. All this on top of groceries, gas, phone bill, and my car insurance bill. Then the holidays coming up...
I need help. And my mom is in the position to help me. Jesus, I'm not looking for money to go to Europe or designer jeans or anything. I'm just looking for a little help to pay for the dentist for a painful surgery and some money for gas to go to a wedding I don't even want to attend.
My mom's response? "You have cushion in your savings, don't you?" "I remember living paycheck to paycheck with your father. We ate a lot of Hamburger Helper and Pork and Beans". "I'm sorry, money's tight here too." "I know what you're going through."
Actually, mom you don't. When you were 23 you were married with a good job and you owned a house, and your parents couldn't financially help you. You made enough money to support a child and a divorce, and you had enough to retire at 48. You didn't follow your dreams. And you paid the price for security by losing all of your friends, all of your independence, and your whimsy I only vaguely remember.
I'm 23 and went to college, and to pursue the dreams I went to college for it's going to take years of hard work for little pay. But I will be proud of myself when I get to where I'm going because I fucking tried. I'm sorry I graduated in the worst economy since the Great Depression. I have a college degree but I work a job I could have gotten out of high school. There aren't jobs. There aren't high paying jobs. I don't know if I'll be able to afford a house. I don't know if I'll be able to afford kids.
I'm 23 and I eat on the right side of my mouth because I can't afford a dentist to fix my tooth. I'm 23 and I hate that I'm going on vacation because I'm afraid of the poverty when I get home. I'm a college graduate who's going to have to dip into savings to buy groceries, and my boyfriend's not that much better off because his students loans start up in December. Furthermore, I'm struggling more than I have have in my life and my parent who's blows 100s on gizmos for the house won't help me for gas money to be at a family event you guilted me into going.
No, mom, you don't understand.
Jesus, if things really were tight with my mom I would send her my paychecks. If things really were tight I wouldn't imply that I needed help because I wouldn't want to add to the stress. But things aren't tight and she believes in tough love.
Look, I understand that helping your grown kid is unnecessary and makes many them lazy fuckers in debt. But I guess I'm hurt that I've been cut off so completely at a time when I need it most and I haven't done anything wrong. I went to college. I have a job and hate it every fucking day because they're so cruel to me but I show up on time anyway. I have two jobs and one of them is an unpaid internship to pursue a career I love. I work 6 days a week and am missing my life because of it. I'm not a criminal, I'm not a drug addict, I have a stable loving relationship, I don't steal, or cheat, or am rude to people. I'm doing everything right and I need just a little help or compassion.
I need a mom who's on my side. I need a parent who says "fuck them" to my co-workers who treat me like shit. I need a mom who will either (a) help me pay for the dentist, even if it's just $50, or (b) have real compassion that my mouth is so painful instead of telling me to tough it out.
If I took her advice on making judgement calls on what is important to spend money on and what isn't, I wouldn't go to the wedding and I wouldn't go to Tahoe, and I would miss out on family and life just like she did.
Look, I love my mom, and I know she wants the best for me. I know she just wants me to be secure and stable. But I guess it just really saddens me that her answer to my life is to not follow my dreams, ignore my heath, not go on trips, be mistreated at a job I hate, and tough cookies to you.
If my parent can't financially help me or simply doesn't want to, that's really ok. But a parent who isn't willing to show me compassion to serious problems in my life isn't ok at all. I mean, just be on my side that's it's 2011 and life sucks right now but I love you and believe in you.
This is why I love my grandma so much. Maybe it's stupid idealism and empty dreams, but damnit, this is the time to dream. This is the time in life to hope. At 23 right out of college is the time to go for that career because it's easier to start on bottom and underpaid at 23 than at 24, or 25, or 26, or 36, or 42.
I've got to fucking try to make it in publishing. I've got to fucking try. My mom tries to kill that spark in me and replace it with a corporate job that will fix my tooth in exchange for my dreams and soul. My grandma tries to inspire the light in me to burn a little brighter and to have the courage to pursue happiness. Would you rather your daughter be a fierce lioness or a heartless tin solider? I just want to hope.
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