Day 136-- Bars, Bosses, and Boyfriend Blowouts

Bars:

Let me preface this by explaining my 3-0-2-3 philosophy about hanging out.  In my opinion, if a person declines an invite to a certain thing three times in a row, they will not be invited again.  For example, if you invited someone out for drinks three times in a row and they said no thanks/busy/tired/ect you're not going to bother inviting them for a 4th time just to be rejected again.  [3-0]. 

Now if a person goes twice in a row then they have three changes to decline a future invitation. Twice isn't a fluke; it's a pattern of 'yes's.  For example, if you go out to lunch with someone two Thursdays in a row and even if they can't make the third Thursday, you'll still invite them the fourth Thursday, and if they say no/can't/sorry for the 4th, you might not invite them again right away, but a month later you may try one more Thursday. [2-3].

Try to keep these numbers in your head for the rest of this section.

About two weeks ago my roommates went out to a club in PB and didn't invite me.  It stung a little, but really I deserved it by not going out with them numerous times in a row.  My boyfriend was a total bear to me about though, and took a machete to my self-confidence by reminding me that I don't really have friends here, I haven't tried hard enough to be social, I should have butted in and asked to join, or maybe I should think about why I wasn't invited and how to be invited in the future for my own happiness, and because it's really important to him that I make friends here because I miss mine in Arizona.  It hurt the things he said, because they were 100% true and things I've already thought about in my own head.

Flash-forward to a week ago and they invite me out to the local pub.  I go.  And it was totally fun and a good story the next day, and some bomb breakfast burritos at 2am.  The bf was too tired to come out that night, I should add, and if I remember right, was happy I was going out being social.

Flash-forward to Tuesday and we--the whole house-were going to go out for Taco Tuesdays at a local favorite spot.  We all got really dressed up and had the music pumping and even the bf was dancing around excited.  There was a misunderstanding and suddenly the plan wasn't Taco Tuesdays at the local joint, it was Taco Tuesdays at this club in PB.  And suddenly more people are over for a night out, including this cool girl friend of my roommate I don't get to hang out with very often.  And suddenly the bf is pissed because he's hungry and has been looking forward to the local joint all night and refused to go to PB.  And suddenly I have to make a choice of where to go. 

It's the classic no-win situation we've all been in dozens of times and have caused the same problem to others dozen of times.  Go with the roommates or go with the boyfriend?  Go with the roommates, be social, have some fun, but you can't really have that much fun because you know someone's upset at you that you ditched them. Go with the grumpy boyfriend and win points for loyalty and love, but have a strained local night out on top of having regrets that you're losing possible friends.

In the end I wish I would have done both even though that probably wouldn't have worked.  If I had gone with the bf for tacos he would have been somewhat happy, then I could have driven to PB by myself which would have made me feel only somewhat happy for being alone, and they would have been happy for me being there but later, which is only somewhat of the whole experience.

I chose to go out to PB with the roommates but with the clause that I would leave by 12.  And it was a fun night with that twinge of regret like I thought it would be.  It was really nice to dance, and felt great to feel a part of a group again and yes, I made some new and stronger connections that night.  But the bf was annoyed at me when I got home (as expected) and if I were him, I know I would feel the same. 

Being in a relationship can sometimes be a struggle between what's best for the couple and best for the individual.  Most of the times they merge, and the most honorable of us can surrender our own needs for the other person, which in turn, sometimes makes them surrender back.  The best of couples can say, "Hey, this is important to you so I'll do it for you," and the other person saying, "You know what, it's not so important to me that you have to sacrifice yourself." 

Think of He's Just Not That Into You and the Ben Afflac/Jennifer Aniston couple.  Obviously it's a movie meant for romantic women but I still think it's a great example.  In the movie the couple breaks up because Jen wanted to get married and he simply didn't want the piece of paper. Later she surrendered that she didn't need marriage if it meant losing him, and in turn, he surprised her by agreeing to marry her because she was willing to give it up.

Since I'm on the topic of the PB bar though, it really was a fun bar.  It was massive with a smoking section, a private lounge section, and a shit ton of mutli-colored lights around the huge floor of the crowded bar.  And I was thoroughly impressed that they could make Coldplay and Adele into ridiculously good club music.  We hung out, met old friends, danced together, danced on top of the bar, and was a solid good night when we were together. 

The end of the night was a bit of hot mess.  We lost one roommate+her friend+and their group, my other roommate had to deal with drama of her friend getting pissed we were leaving at midnight, the bf was annoyed when I got home, the lost roommate got more lost and had a scary cab ride home, and the roommate who left with me was super sick the next day.  And you know what, I am sorry that the bf felt ditched by me because I've been there, it really fucking hurts to be left.  None the less, the fights we've had about it since have felt very much unwarranted. 

And in the end, you know what, I really do cherish getting cheap Mexican food with my roommate who left with me at midnight and getting that kind of heart-to-heart conversation I miss so much about Arizona.  And I fucking cherish that 'morning after' breakfast with the roommates recapping what happened the night before--a tradition that I honestly miss most of all about not having my ASU girls anymore.

Bosses:

It ain't a secret that I can't stand my bosses and this week has been exemplary.  My LFB (least favorite boss) has actually gotten more jovial with her increase of pain medication and I've actually enjoyed working with her.  Well, until Wednesday when, ten minutes before I was off, she discovered this huge error she made in an 11-week guest's folio. An hour later and ten minutes later I finally go home.

Today has been a real gem.  Due to some shady practices at our sister hotel (no lunches.  They have to eat at the desk), a few us us--ie. me and the other guy who works there part-time anyway--will be covering their lunch breaks and any other times they need us.  It's me going from one dumpty hotel to an even worse dumpty hotel (it's literally 2 stars).  This boss, I'll call her Little Caesar, is a fucking weird nutcase. She is 100% a neat freak, has no patience, hoards her office like it's a palace even though it's simply the back office where extra towels and toilet paper are kept, plus she's touchy feely in a pat-on-the-back sort of way, and it's painfully obvious that she talks to herself too much. Here are some ridiculous things she said to me today:

1.) [Me trying to make a key for a guest].

Her: "You don't know the password?!" (pissed off)

Me: "I guess not (with muted humor).  It's not the same as ours?"

Her: "The password is individual so I'll let you use mine."

Gee lady, how the fuck am I suppose to know it then? 

2.) [Me asking if we have any extra bags as per request by a guest on the phone]

Me: "Do we have any extra bags up here?"

Her: "No!"

Me: "Would housekeeping have any?"

Her: "No."

Me: "Ok [guests asks again for plastic bags].  Do we maybe have extra garbage bags?"

Her: "Yes (like it was obvious and pulls out a bag)."

Me: [Guest tells me on phone they want ziplock bags.  I figure we probably don't but I ask anyway since we have food at the front desk in the morning and this whole thing is amusing me] Would housekeeping have ziplocks?

Her: "Ziplocks?!"

Me: [Guest asks me about extra ice bags.  I know we probably do.  I tell him we don't.]

[A guest asks if she can keep her luggage in the lobby somewhere.  I know we can, but I don't know where.  I ask Little Caesar ]

Me: "Can a guest keep her luggage somewhere in our lobby?"

Her: "Not in my office!" (Keep in mind her "office" is an oversized storage closet).

Me: "That's fine.  Do we have somewhere else?"

Her: "In the closet (like it was the most obvious thing in the world and I had no idea where that was.)

She also thought I was stupid for not knowing where the elevator was when it was my first time on the property and kept asking me if I was bored when I finished a task and politely found something to do, like read the arrivals list (all 12 names over and over).  I didn't talk to her much and tried to be an ice queen.  I also fucked up a little on accident but hopefully she'll think I'm too incompetent. Weirdo.

Boyfriend Blowouts:

Well, I already described the first blowout about the club.  Here's the second.

Also, please know that I'm not trying to make the bf seem like an asshole. Obviously the description of events are skewed in my favor but I hope you judge us fairly if you've been in his shoes or in mine.

Also, this blog is ANONYMOUS.

So from even before our relationship started 4.5 years ago I hated the fact that he was a smoker.  (1) The excessiveness is  annoying to me because of the cost, health, smell, and not going through life sober.  More importantly is (2), if some day we get really serious I will NOT marry a smoker, and I certainly will NOT have a family with a smoker.  Occasional smoker, maybe.  But every day multiple times just isn't the sort of lifestyle I want kids growing up with.  Sorry, I just don't.  Maybe D.A.R.E. got to me.  Maybe my dead alcoholic father has something to do with it.  Maybe excess of anything freaks me out (including coffee junkies).  

Anyway, the smoking has been our issue--let me rephrase that in my boyfriend's language--my disagreement with his excess smoking has been my issue with him for years.  It's always the same damn argument. Him being honest about his lifestyle today, me being honest about what I want for my future.  

What's kept us together is love.  We love each other and we like each other, and I think we still have hope that this issue isn't the deciding one.  On my end of things, I keep hoping that his smoking will either go away or be so little by the time marriage/kids bug finally hits me.

And things have changed.  I have gotten much more comfortable with his smoking and the culture in general and really, it doesn't bother me today.  It's the future thing.  

But when he decided to work in the industry it caused a whole 'nother round of fights.  It's one thing to smoke, another to be a part of the machine.  The compromise (that he doesn't remember) was that he would work in the industry and enjoy tending the products there instead of home, and that I would test out being cool with it for 1 year.  Well this week he brought a product home and I flipped out.

I was so fucking pissed.  Not at the product itself but the broken agreement.  So I kept my end of the agreement by leaving.  I packed up and left for the night.  I would have stayed somewhere else a second night but my contacts weren't answering.  

We're still at a stalemate now.  I want the product gone, he doesn't.  I'm moving out at the end of the month anyway so that's what I've been working on.  I'm emailing a bunch of craiglist room posts right after I finish typing this blog entry.

I guess it's just really disappointing to me.  We're so happy together and then he has to pick at my scab with this reminder.  This product in the house is this huge green neon sign that says to me, This Isn't Going to Work Out. You Will Not Get What You Want, Ever.  Be Honest, You Will Never Ok Will His Lifestyle.  You Will Have to Sacrifice Your Beliefs If You Want to Be With This Person for the Rest of Your Life.  You Love This Man, But You Obviously Don't Accept Him Completely. You Don't Want this Lifestyle to Ok For Your Future Children. This Hurts You and You Can't Really Make Him Understand Why. 

It's hard for me to describe why this product in the house is such a big deal to me.  It's...you know, it's just...

I'm jealous of people who experience that initial crash and sizzle of a young relationship.  You know, it's that time when couples are so fucking in love that they're willing to do anything for the other person and have such utter confidence that this is the right fucking person for me and we are going to last.  It's usually fleeting for couples but sometimes it's not.  And I've never felt that way.

I have never felt that utter confidence about my relationship and it's because of his smoking.  It's like having sex without an orgasm, or cooking a steak but not eating it.  I have this tiny piece of sadness that hides in my body because for all the happiness I have with him, I still have that justified doubt that one day I will have to leave him because of his smoking or he'll leave me because he wants to live honestly. 

Seeing his smoking product on our nightstand just makes that sadness of doubt hurt a little more.  

My boyfriend can and has given me almost everything.  He has given me love, romance, humor, adventure, intellect, comfort, arousal, loyalty, style, patience, whimsy, and excitement. But as a smoker he can't give me the one I crave: permanence.

I am a permanent girl.  I keep every promise I make.  I keep my word, I keep friendships.  Hell, the whole reason I was a lit major was because I desire the immortality of writing--another variation of permanency. Tell me this needs to happen and I will MAKE it happen.  This is not the same as stability.  People act differently when they know something is permanent.  You try harder to make it work.  Is it really a coincidence that arranged marriages last longer than marriages of fancy?  Doubt makes us selfish since we may be on our own again soon anyway.  

I don't need to get married to my boyfriend, nor do I particularly desire it at this stage in my life.  But I do desire feeling like we're going to work out in the long run.  I do desire that confidence.  I want to believe that this happiness we share can last a lifetime and that I can have a life I never thought I'd be lucky enough to have.

Having this smoking product in my face just reminds me that I don't have that confidence, and that my ideal life with him probably isn't going to happen for me.  And that little scab of doubt and sadness hurts me more than I ever want him to know.