Day 213 (b)--On the Topic of the Quarter Life Crisis

"Might be the quaterlife crisis

Or just a stirring in my soul.

Either way I

Wonder sometimes

About the outcome

Of a still

Verdict-less life"

~John Mayer "Why Georgia"

This week it was brought to my attention that I would be hitting my mid-twenties this year.  Aside from ages 9 and 19 (I hate the number 9) I am usually very open to getting older without my fuss or drama.  However, that acknowledgement of midtwenty threw me off balance.

For some reason I thought that far away ages meant I'd be a whole different person by then: a whole different mind of sorts.  In a way I thought that me at [blank age] would be a sort of foreign stranger who suddenly had her shit figured out and owned a house with kids and a good job.  I didn't know where that house would be or what career she would have or who those husband/kids would be, and I thought of it as a sort of surprise.

Dummy.

I'm still the same person.  I am not a stranger but that same core person I was when I was 4 years old, 11 years old, 16, 20, 22, and today at 23.  Sure sure my experiences have changed and some of my philosophies have shifted but overall I am that same person.

Which means I have to do all of the work myself to turn into that "stranger".  Damn.

Many months ago I had a very in-depth conversation with my Best Friend in College about how choices post-college have longer consequences to them.  There are so many slippery slopes of this post-school life such as picking the wrong guy leading to the wrong marriage, working some crappy job to get by turning into 10 years of an unhappy career, and those relationships you're around will truly influence you better for worse.  Obviously we were taking the dire route in this idea of consequences, but nonethless our choices today will have longer vibrations into our future.

In college, most choices only last a semester.  Crappy class? Only 4 months.  Crappy job? Quit after Winter Break.  Crappy relationships? New semester, new attitude.  Semesters and quarters are these punctuation marks in our life choices: when these pauses are removed there is simply life that goes on and on and on without you realizing it, aside from birthdays and the new year. I suppose what I'm trying to say in these two paragraphs is that without a pause in life, there is little incentive for resolutions.  And if I'm not careful 24 will turn into 25, 26, 27, ect and if I don't take the time to pause and think I'll never change my circumstances into a better career/house/kids/ect.  Me and I need to make these changes, not some stranger-me who will do all the work for me.

So fuck!  Fuck, it's going to me during those interviews and working hard for a career.  Fuck, it's going to me applying for loans to buy a house and wondering if I'm mature enough for such a decision.  Fuck, it's going to my body carrying a child.  Fuck, it's me who's going to grow up. 

Kinda scary.  Kinda exciting to know that I'll be the agent in my own future; not some stranger. 

As My Best Friend in College posted on her blog once, "Be the person you always wanted to meet."  I'm working  on it.