I was hit with a cold last night and crashed asleep at my place hella early surrounded by tissues and my contacts still in and the light still on. My boyfriend called my around 7am thinking I was going to work to see how I was feeling. Despite my protests of not needing help he came over to make me feel better anyway. He slipped in right next to me under the covers, cooled my fever with his chilly hands from the walk over, and massaged my feet to help me sleep.
I woke up hours later feeling supremely healthy. And in looking at him, happy. He wanted to talk about how I'm doing and talk out my thoughts from the past few days of being unhappy in San Diego and in doubts about our relationship. For being a serious conversation it was rather hyper in nature as I explained how he doesn't want to come with me to Oregon, and how we're not partners, and how I can't trust him about his job since he doesn't tell me anything and how much debt he's in because his debt is my debt if we were to get married, ect.
He heard me out and started talking. He gets my concerns. I want a lover and a provider and he hasn't given me evidence yet that he can do both. But he can. And like he said yesterday during our In-N-Out date, "I'm a poor fuck. And maybe I'm not good enough. But my love for you is real." I had wanted to go to Arizona this weekend by myself to see my girls and to get a confidence boost. He wants to come too. He's been wanting to visit Arizona since before Christmas as it was his place too of escaping, and pints with friends, and markers of our long romance. We've playfully argued all day on if he's coming or not. He's going and maybe he'll invite me. Which car are we taking? Oh, I'll be in Arizona this weekend, are you going to be there too? Plus he wants us to go as a couple, as a team and partnership of visiting the past to strengthen us.
I haven't quite decided if I want to put my foot down on this or not. It would be fun if he comes so we can go out with the friends to parties or the bars around town, and it could work too as long as I get my girl time in during the day. Hm. And as far as Oregon goes, on my end, it was 25 degrees there yesterday and after a two hours reading about Ted Bundy, plus Anthony Bourdain's view on Portland being run by obsessive passionates I think I can wait until summer when I have my confident fuck you fuck you fuck you I'm going to make it here fuck you attitude (hopefully).
On his end, the bf asked me to stay in San Diego long enough to work a different job I actual like and to make at least 1 friend in San Diego before I call it quits. Don't run away yet. Try everything first, because those same problems will be in Portland as they will be in San Diego, so why not gain experience and confidence in San Diego first?
Back to today. It was wonderfully warm here at the beach, about 75 degrees. I threw on my new aqua dress with tiny diagonal cuts in the right places highlighting my butt and giving me an appearance of cleavage (thank you, Target!) before we split a Chipotle burrito while listening to Cage the Elephant and Jay-Z loud in the car ride home.
The neighbors were having a BBQ in the backyard when we got there. Sun dresses, t-shirts featuring beer advertisements, scraggly beards, cute boots, rock music somewhere in the background, lazy smiles and jesting, two of them falling asleep on acid after drinking all day and not sleeping last night from the cocaine, and some beets and beans being prepared on make-shift cutting boards.
I got to work on my famous guacamole (if I do say so myself), which was eaten up quick and given tons of compliments, including the BBQ chef who's looks a lot like a stoned dark-haired Jesus. Beans and tomatoes were served. Then ribs. And the best chicken in town. No forks in sights; just hands you hope are clean. Community. A warm summer evening in January.
And this is why I do like in San Diego. This kind of happy day when the world is loud and busy but there you are with friends and BBQ chicken pinched in your finger tips, and a cute dress on, and a hot boyfriend who is vowing to make it work and will be whisking you away in a little bit for an quick orgasm under the covers, and a bonfire being started outside which you won't join because you'll be watching Reality Bites for the first time and laughing in how scary accurate and hilarious Winona Ryder's character is to your real life.
It's nearly midnight now. The house still smells a little like cooked food and smoke. The bf's watching Bill Maher out there and I'll be looking for a new job tomorrow. I almost feel like it's the summer time again. And it is this kind of day that I have hope :)
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