It has been said that there are no topics more toxic to conversation than politics and religion, and that it is best to keep your opinions to yourself unless in comfortable company. For the most part I adhere to this absolutely, however, if one asks me, I am more than willing to talk.
The Canadian and I were at Walmart the other night looking for limes, an eyeliner sharpener, a bed comforter, and some US phone minutes. As usual, Walmart is the place for mullets, stained sweatpants, and little girls handing out church/cult flyers.
The Canadian and I got into the standard Walmart discussion of (a) admiring the institution for being a place to hire the "unemployable" ie the elderly and those with deformities, while (b) also hating Walmart for putting small businesses out of business, and the unfairness of the Walton children owning the same amount of wealth as the bottom 30% of the American POPULATION and not paying their workers higher wages.
In the car ride home I was going off about humanity and such and out of blue she asked me if I was Jewish.
Me:
"No. It's the nose. I get that question all the time, but no, I'm not Jewish or anything."
The Canadian's dad is a Episcopalian married priest and she paused for a minute to for me to explain what I am.
Me:
"I was baptized Catholic with a healthy dash of the physic Sylvia Brown. So basically I grew up believing in heaven and God but also Sylvia Brown's beliefs that we have 3 chances to die and we get to chose which exit we want--like near death experiences. Um, then there's her idea that when you die you ended up in heaven in your 30 year old body. Also, there is a room in heaven full of records of everyone who has ever lived. Oh, and reincarnation and how we live each life to learn a different lesson, and once we have learned all of the lessons of the world, our soul becomes absorbed with God.
I had a nervous breakdown in a pizza joint when I was 13 because of this idea. I didn't want to be absorbed into God and lose my consciousness, but I didn't want to live forever because the sun is going to die one day and I didn't want to be alive to see the end of the world. Yeah. I was a oversensitive kid.
Actually when I was a kid I used to believe that we lived this life twice so I didn't want to do anything bad because I would have to relive this life all over again and I didn't want to relive my mistakes. I also had the idea that this whole reality was just a part of giant--like an ogre--a giant's dream. And this giant is sleeping by a creek and if he wakes up we all disappear."
The Canadian:
"[laughs] So what do you believe now?"
Me:
"I'm an atheist. [pause] I miss the idea of heaven and God, but no, I don't believe in it anymore.
Most people are surprised that I'm an atheist and figure that I'm some goody Christian."
The Canadian:
"Because you don't really drink or do drugs--
Me:
"And [my boyfriend] is the only guy I've slept with. But it's true, I don't believe in the afterlife. But just because I don't believe in souls doesn't mean I don't believe in people. I completely believe that we are all skin and blood and bones and in that matter, we are all the equal."
The Canadian:
"That we're all the same."
Me:
"No, not the same. Not all of us have the same opportunities as others. But that starving kid in Africa or that mentally disabled person, or that rich guy, and I all have spleens and lungs and desires and fears, and we all deserved dignity and respect as a human being--a living thing.
That's why I take ethics so seriously. I don't believe in God to forgive me; I have me to forgive me. And since I believe that all humans are deserving of respect and have just one life, I want to honor that and not cause harm to them as they are just as equal as me.
I mean that. I believe that I am alive and when I'm dead there is nothingness so I have one single life and I don't want to waste it. That's why I have such value in the arts and literature: I feel that art and pleasure are the purpose of life--not hedonistically or anything. Just...
I was suicidal when I was 17."
The Canadian:
"17?"
Me:
"Yes, 17. I planned the whole thing, all of it, but I didn't, and that next day I saw one of the most beautiful sunsets I've ever seen in my life, and I realized that if I had died the day before I would have completely missed it. It made me decide to have children. I always didn't want to have children because I'm an atheist and I didn't want to bring a life into this world knowing that that life would die one day and I couldn't comfort them about this fact. But that sunset. This world is so fucking beautiful. Good food, good friendship, good music--this world is so exquisite and I want my children to experience it. Experience the beauty and the good food and good friends and good music, and I think that's why I get so annoyed when my friends are living a beige life working at 9-to-5 for 40 years. I believe, and I hope I'm wrong, that they only have one single life and why waste it at some awful job and not experiencing joy?
The Canadian:
"So when are you getting a new job?"
Me:
"[laughs] Soon."
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