"So give me the chance/ to prove that I'm the one who can" ~Adele "One and Only
In 4 seconds I can mentally relate a 15-year old jeep as to why I should apply to an internship in Boston. But more on that in a minute. When I'm nervous I tend to ramble.
Us English majors have been highly trained to find symbolism in everything, connect dots that only vaguely exist, and make it our jobs to find feminism, class struggle, or the loss of innocence (sometimes all three) in just about anything--whether it's really there or not. Unsurprisingly, in this professional and emotional limbo of my post-grad life I've become something of a personal symbologist, hoping that some sign or way of the wind can tell me what to do in the next few months of my life.
Here's the thing, I have never been a girl of bullying passions. I have always been in the role of thinker, creator, and analyzer, but never the position of dreamer. I do not know what I want, and that has forever and always been my problem I've managed to hide with good grades, roadtrips, and dessert recipes..
Internships, jobs, career. What the fuck do I want to do? Something in book publishing or magazine writing sounds fun.
But I wouldn't have applied for internships in college and I'm still too afraid to apply because of three painful truths: (1) I'm not ready to be brave to move to a new state (2) I'm not sure these jobs are what I want and (3) I don't think my relationship would and should try another long round of long-distance.
I feel as though I linger more than others. If you look around, people change friend groups, styles, cities, and jobs at whiplash speed. I stayed at a job I shouldn't have for over four years, I managed a long-distance relationship throughout college, I consider myself friends with people who see me as someone they just hang out with, not to mention that neither Arizona nor San Diego were ever my first choices of places to live but I kept returning to both again and again. Am I stalling here in post-college life, or am I lingering in my own confusion (but with a nice tan)?
I'm beginning to form long views of my life. What job do I want in 10 years? Is he who I'm going to be with in 10 years? Where do I want to live in 10 years? These questions and questions. The bf likes to point out that I have nothing but good things to look forward to in the next few weeks: we have a party in two weeks, a concert at the end of the month, I have a style challenge to finish before Day 55 of my blogging, I'm enjoying a current food challenge and new Dessert Sundays....but why do I have this creeping dread that I'm making mistakes in my life plan? My worst fear to wake up at 40 and be working at CVS.
Long vision. This puff of smoke playground of the beach isn't me. Long vision. I want to be proud of something and of myself. Long vision. I want to live in a Pottery Barn house, a passport full of stamps, with a partner who builds me up, with a career that brings me happiness, with a style and a grace of confidence I haven't gained yet. And maybe a weenie dog. Long vision. I need to try.
But back to the 15 year old jeep. I know a girl whose fierce localism and respect for the old order convinced me she was one of those who proudly lingers. I never thought she'd actually get her driver's license. She did 5 months ago. I never thought she'd leave her neighborhood. She did 2 months ago. I never thought she'd save enough to buy her own car. She did last week. It's so her. Cute but tough. She changed and is moving forward. Maybe I should to.
And so I'm taking baby steps. I've been on a few websites this morning and I found that
Scholastic Books is not offering internships this year but is hosting a number of jobs
Salon Magazine is always offering internships
Penguin House is offering internships
Random House is not offering internships but is offering jobs
Yahoo Shine is something I'm looking into.
I'm scared. I haven't actually applied yet but I will. And in the meantime I need to apply to a job here in SD. (breathe). (just breathe).
"Give me the chance/ to prove I'm the one who can/walk that mile/until the end times"
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