Day 116--Running into the ocean at 3am in a little black dress

And so I ran across the sand and into the ocean with my little black dress on and my black heels in hand, and let the 3am calm coolness hit me as my feet made it into low tide.  Never in my life have I seen the ocean more beautiful.  It was a slightly overcast sky that meshed well with the mellow waves, making that edge beyond the white crests look like the most peaceful place you could ever reach.

I thought for a moment that it was the absolute perfect place for a surrender.  

It was one of the best moments of my life, without exaggeration.

We were there on a whim of my roommate's boyfriend.  We were partying in Pacific Beach for a friend's birthday and after being kicked out of the bar at 2 we wandered the streets looking for some Mexican food place that was his favorite back in the day.  We found it eventually and I thought to myself that it was some crazy happenstance that we were sitting on a concreted tiled bench surrounded by pretty drunk twentysomethings along the sidewalks, with cabs and chatter just a bit too loud to hear the ocean a block away, with a broken neon sign saying Bicycles replacing the stars.  

He wanted to walk along the beach which seemed like a strange request at 2:30 in the morning with a belly full of cheap burrito but we went along anyway--his girlfriend, my boyfriend, and I.  It wasn't a cold night by any means, and the cool sand felt incredible on my 2-inch-heel-ached feet.  

We stopped near a ramp leading back to the sidewalk when the guy decided to walk down to the water's edge.  My boyfriend and roommate were talking about something or other when the sudden ferocious urge to be in the water leaped upon me, and with a quick, "Hey, let's go to the water" to them behind me, I fucking sprinted as fast as I could to the beautifully opaque and calm Pacific.  

The low waves hit my toes, and ankles, and I splashed in deep enough to my calves.  My boyfriend and roommate soon joined.  My roommate got out her camera, and though a lens can never capture the nighttime ocean's muted glamor, we took pictures anyway and walked along the water's edge.  My boyfriend twirled me, my roommate shared the awe of the scene with me, her boyfriend joked around about former his skinny dipping experience and losing his underwear, and I enjoyed all of the reasons why I moved to San Diego and why it's now my home.

I'm not a writer and I could never do a moment justice by depicting it to you with words or grainy pictures, but I hope you know that I wish you were here tonight at 3am, rolling up your nice jeans or dress to get your city feet wet in the pacified waves and feel completely at home in a warm but overcast night with people you only really just met but hope that you'll know for a lifetime.  Goodnight.

Day 115-- How to win a fight with an angry girlfriend

When you get into a fight with your girlfriend you're not just up against her immediate anger.  Nope, you're fighting with hours of stewing, over-analyzing, and calculation.  Here are 10 tips for winning a fight with an angry girlfriend.

I got into a 100% average, 100% common, 100% foreseeable spat with my boyfriend last night and it made me think of the ways us girls work and how our boyfriends could benefit from knowing how our raging brains wage war against you time to time.

Once again, this blog is wonderfully anonymous and I'll use last night's fight as examples.

1.) You're already losing--this fight started hours ago and you didn't even know it.

There's a concept in psychology that a "mood" is a state of enhanced readiness to experience a certain emotion.  That thing you did this morning peeved your girlfriend enough that she's now in a mood to get pissed off at you for something entirely different.

In our spat last night my mood was only at "pissed off" at 2am because (1) At 2:30pm I was folding laundry and trying to clean the room before work while he was writing an email = miffed. (2) While he said thanks before I left, it was rushed and reactionary.  By 7pm he hadn't texted me an I love you or something = a little more miffed. (3) This would have been fine if I had come home and he would have kissed me with a smile, but instead the house was empty and the room was still a mess = annoyed. (4) I was actually enjoying my solo time but by 1am and no word from him = feeling forgotten.  (5) Not being told where he was until 1:30am meant I didn't get there until last call when they wouldn't let me in = annoyed. (6) His buddy mentioning the group of dumb girls they talked to and my boyfriend joking that--yes, he loves me and is happy we're dating--but if he had been single he could have messed with their heads = raging pissed.

My advice: Be calm and loving.  She's looking for a fight so meet her anger with peace and comprise to throw her off balance and possibly solve the fight before she gets the chance to yell.

2.) Witnesses can help your cause or may be the reason she's pissed

I've been to way too many parties where the girl storms off because of something the boyfriend did in public.  On the flip-side I've also been in situations where the girl is pissed, but because there are witnesses she'll try to forgive him quicker.  In each case, if the boyfriend winks at her or makes an effort to hug her or kiss her in public the fight can be avoided.  Unless that's how it started.

Part of the reason for the spat was the buddy he was with.  The friend already thinks I'm weird for not drinking or wanting to go out to the bars 4-5 nights a week so it was important for me to make it out and not look like a bore.  Further more, I don't care that my boyfriend chatted with girls because he's the most loyal son of a bitch I know and trust but the friend isn't.  

Look, I'm a bartender at a hotel twice a week and not a single day goes by that some guy isn't giving me his number or asking for mine or asking what time I get off.  I don't correct them that I'm taken (more tips), I don't do anything more than chatting.  I'm glad my boyfriend was honest last night, but since he was with player company it bothered me more.  If it had been with a guy friend I know and trust I would have laughed and joked with them that, "I could've have gotten her more than you could have."

My advice: look around you, will having witness help or hurt the situation?  Pick the best option.

3.) If she's mad on principle, use future language. 

Almost every girl I know has gotten into at least one fight with her boyfriend when she actually wasn't mad, but she had to pretend to be.  She might not care that you're doing it this time, but she doesn't want you to think that you can get away with it in the future. 

When I came home to an empty house last night I was thrilled.  I never get me time anymore.  I took a long shower, dried my hair, put on some Kings of Leon, cleaned the room and read gossip articles in my bra and cute boy-shorts, lit some candles, ect.  I honestly didn't care that the bf was out and didn't tell me.  But.  But in the future a simple, "Hey, I'm out with the neighbors if you want to join" is what I want. 

My advice: Tell her that you don't want what happened to happen again so next time you will ___.  You don't have to mean it, but as long as she hears it you'll be a little more in the clear.

4.) Exploit her forgiveness weakness

Most girls have a forgiveness weakness, whether that's making her laugh or giving her a small gift, or whatever.  My weakness lies in my feet.  I will give up national secrets for a foot massage and 9 times out of 10 I will be in a better mood if my feet are warm.  Needless to say, my boyfriend discovered that during the spat my feet were cold and in warming them up and kissing my stomach 70% of all my anger disappeared.  

My advice: this one takes time to figure out of your girlfriend works.  As a general rule though, any kind of touch is usually good though if she'll allow it.

5.) Say "I'm sorry", even if it's in a twisty way.

If you're sorry by all means, look her in the eye and tell her that you're sorry.  If you're not sorry, say something similar enough to fool her like, "I'm sorry that the night ended this way", "I love you, I don't like it when we argue", "I want us to fun night, it sucks that this has happened, but I think the night can still be really great," ect.

My advice: say I'm sorry for whatever is true.  If she's a raging bitch who is trying to ruin your night, saying "You're being a raging bitch who's trying to ruin my night" isn't going to make her stop, but saying, "I'm sorry this is going on, but I think we can have a fun night together, I love you," might.

6.) The next day is key.  Don't be an asshole straight away.

We girls are talented at many things and holding a grudge is one of them.  Maybe we forgave you 90% last night, but you're still 10% in the dog house for getting us pissed off in the first place.  In the morning be loving and acknowledge what happened the day before (least you want a silent cold war because she sure as hell isn't going to mention it).

This is the moment to actually fight.  (1) If you're the complete fuck up, this is the time to sincerely apologize for it. (2) If you don't think you did anything wrong but want it to simply go away, this is the time to be mellow and say that it sucked how it turned out and that you're happy it's a new day and I love you.  (3) If the fight was really her fault, this is the time to say, I don't want this to happen in the future what can we do next time? She'll give you reasons you messed up and you counter her reasons and show her how she was wrong.  Girls hate being wrong, but if you frame it in a way of making it better for her in the future she'll be more understanding and apologetic.   

My advice: wake up happy, calm, acknowledge things right away, and either quickly apologize for it or be prepared for a grown-up conversation to show her how you weren't the bad guy.

7.) Get her to come.

If you can get a girl to orgasm you're already 90% forgiven.  Thank you, love.

8.) Don't fuck up in the following day or two.

If you act normal and nothing else happens over the next day or two, the fight was an event in time.  However, if you piss her off too soon, suddenly she's accusing you of having a pattern of shitty behavior.

My advice: act normal but with a tad more caution.

9.) Sometimes it's not you at all.

Honestly, sometimes fights aren't about you at all and are in fact about work, or stress, or that friend not calling her back.  The best girlfriend can acknowledge that she's the one being the asshole if you show her how she was acting overly aggressive towards you.  Then again, maybe the fight was caused by you and hopefully you addressed it and won't do it again. 

My advice: if it isn't you, don't ask her about it while she's still pissed because she'll lie about it and get even more pissed off.  Once she's cooled off, ask her how life is going.  You don't really have to listen, but the simple act of asking will score you major points.

10.) Remember next week

Long-lasting couples fight with next week in mind.  They could hate each other day but since they want to make it next week they're more willing to compromise and get over it. 

My advice: Look to the future to solve today's problems.

Good luck, gentlemen.

Day 114b-- Borders Books and the want of soup

Where's my soup, Borders Books?  

I miss Borders Books like crazy, especially since the weather is changing and there's no place I'd rather be on an overcast afternoon than Borders.  This week I've encountered the first real pang of its closing; not being able to find a soup cookbook.

Why not just go to Barnes and Noble or an indie store or Amazon.com?  For starters, I've never really liked B&N for a few different reasons, such as the rudeness of employees, never enough chairs, not a big enough discount for members, and piss-poor table layouts.  When I'm in a B&N I'm very much reminded that I'm in a business--like a hardware store or something.  Plus I've been reprimanded a few times at B&N for sitting in the aisles.  Maybe I just haven't found a Barnes I really like yet.

Indie stores are iffy.  Small ones make me feel uncomfortable because I'm being watched thoroughly by the owner and I can't hang out there for hours on end.  Bigger ones are quite nice.  They usually pay a lot of attention to decor and vibe of their store, as well as presentation of their books.  Like last night I was at an indie store who displayed Einstein biographies next to Einstein's Dreams (a fiction novel), next to Edgar Allen Poe books and Halloween decorations.  Think about it, Einstein and Poe make an interesting pairing, no?  Unfortunately indies usually sell at full price--which is good for the store and authors but bad for poor recent grads like me.  I don't pay anything full price if I can help it.

Amazon is rather good.  I love their suggestions display next to the book I'm currently reading.  I wouldn't have thought to check out Outside 25: the 25 best stories from Outside Magazine if it hadn't been suggested for Into the Wild readers.  And with Amazon I can easily search books and get immediate reviews and sneak previews, not to mention used book prices.  The only problem is soup.

As I said, I want a soup cookbook.  I want it hardback, a picture for every recipe, only 50 or less recipes so I actually make an effort to make them all, and the right size to be able to stand upright leaning against the wall when I'm cooking on the stove.

If I went to Barnes and Noble I'm sure I would find such a cookbook but in their store I would feel like I'm buying autoparts or something similarly unfeeling.  I have searched for it at indies, but their selections are very small.  Amazon has been really great and I've narrowed it down to two books, but while I see the first few pages of a book, I don't know if there are pictures throughout the whole book, or how heavy the book is, or how sturdy it is for being left open while cooking, ect.  If Borders was still around I'd have a whole shelf dedicated to cookbooks and I could take more sweet time looking at each one, and paying 30% off my purchase.

There have been plenty of articles of what Borders closing means as a whole and maybe in a different post I'll go more indepth with my own drop of an opinion.  But for now, let me say this.  It's a perfect September day and instead of walking around a bookshop looking for a cookbook and the latest Poets and Writers, I'm sitting at home in front of a computer trying to predict what a whole book looks like from a 6 page preview off Amazon. It's just not the same, you know?

Then again, I'll be buying it used off Borders.com (still in business) so maybe not all is lost just yet.

Day 114a--Waking up to you

I woke up this morning nice and late around 10.  Like most mornings when we get the chance, my boyfriend wrapped his arms around me and I carved myself a little bit more in his warmth.  It got me wondering about 2043 when I'm 55 and he's 60.

I don't want my next statement to be misconstrued in anyway of talk of marriage of any sort.  I'm much too far away from financial security let alone maturity and full confidence of my life decisions.  So please take my statement in the same realm of "what if", as in, "what if I was the CEO of Random House?", "what if I learned Spanish and French and traveled the world?".

What if when I'm 55 and my boyfriend's 60 that we're still together, tangled in limbs and warmth in the morning, with grandkids running outside the door?  Will anyone in my generation get that luxury?

I mean that sincerely.  Will any of us make it in a marriage?  Are we too inundated by our divorced parents, our divorced aunts, our divorced uncles, our hook-up culture of flaky girls and asshole guys, and the permutation that there is always someone else out there?  

My grandparents had--well, Grandma still has it--this beautiful rich brown oak bed frame that they owned as long as I've been alive and I'm pretty sure for the past 4 decades.  And I can say for certain that in their 55 years of marriage that they slept next to each other every single night except for the very end with hospital stays.  

As much as I don't care for my step-dad when my mom told me that they sometimes fall asleep holding hands I was forever grateful towards him for giving my mom the chance of love I didn't think she'd get after the misery of divorcing my dad.

I want to have hope for all of us that one day we can be those everlasting people we don't meet very often. I only know a few married couples so far and I honestly, completely, full-fucking-heartedly, wish that they make it for the rest of their lives and I believe that they can.  I really believe in them, I do, and I look up to them as a model for what's possible.

On this typical warm but chilly breeze kind of September day, this is my wish: that when I get married to whomever he is whenever that is, that I will have a marriage that lasts a lifetime. For now though, I'm perfectly happy being offered Frosted Flakes in the morning and rough sex against the door ;)

Day 113-- Author signings and paradigm shifts

Rubbin' my eyes and stretching my neck.  Was this morning only 14 hours ago?  It's been a good day at the publishing house.  I got in and everyone was in a real peachy rosy kind of mood--maybe because the corner cubicle grump was out sick.  

The co-owner came up to me and asked me about my 'getting a high school student published' contest project that I had presented last week.  I was a little ill prepared to pitch it to her, as I figured her husband (the other co-owner) would have talked about it at home.  She was very much excited and recommended that I talk to the San Diego Council of the Arts (?) who give out grants.  I have a list of about 60 different organizations/donors/and grant foundations I need to talk to, but I was grateful for her enthusiasm and her top choice.

I emailed her the project draft and she said she'd email some feedback on it tomorrow.  Sweet.

The rest of the day was spent on hootsuite.com doing media promotion via Facebook and Twitter scheduled for the month of October.  Since one of my roommates sorta flaked on not getting the night off from babysitting we didn't go to a play as planned so I went to an author event instead.

This one didn't go as well as my first two.  The first one was a book signing about dog-friendly trails and we had a ton of foot traffic and about 10 books sold (better than average).  The second event was with a historical society which was absolutely packed.  I don't know how many books sold.  At tonight's event only one sold and no one came over to talk to the author.

I blame it on customer indifference and bad timing.  Trust me, we publicized the event in all local papers and websites so I'm not going to credit us for the poor turnout.  No one came for him and the people outside were all aloof, tourists, on their way to dinner, and simply not interested.  Usually author events aren't that lucrative for authors, but it does create buzz and book sales later in the week or month.  

In case you're thinking of becoming a writer, it takes about 3 books sold for a writer to get $10 and while the publishers make a little more, most of that going to printing and shipping costs. Minus the employee wages and there isn't much profit if any.

 

My coworker and I passed the time hearing his inappropriate stories about fat people and he tried to look at my breasts any chance he could, which was creeping me out (I was simply wearing a v-neck and not a low cut one by any means).  He asks how long I was going to be at the publishing house which took us off guard, as technically I'm only there for 6 more weeks but I'd like to work there if an opening happens.  Bottom line: he's a nice old guy without a filter and a vast knowledge of history and writing.

So yeah.  That was the publishing house.  Work at the hotel was better the other day as well.  I checked my check's full report of hours worked(-)taxes and the amount they paid me was correct, which is just dismal.  Then again, I am taking out the full percentage of taxes so I get money back in April instead of owe money so maybe that's my fault. 

I also got my official name tag so I'm no longer in training and I got to work the bar during happy hour, which was fun.  The guys are definitely flirty but in a buddy/bullying type of way with each other.  Most of them are here at the hotel for weeks on end for construction jobs on buildings or naval ships so they have to be respectful with a dash of rowdy.  And everyone finds it fucking funny that I didn't learn how to open up a wine bottle until last week.  

Tomorrow I don't have work until 3 so I'm planning on doing laundry like I started last week, pick up my hemmed pants, the bf and I need to clean up/throw stuff away in the room, I want to make some phone calls, and if I get the time I want to buy (a) a new notebook to write some letters (b) blank discs since the ones I was uses aren't working and (c) maybe buy groceries.  I have some good vibes going into tomorrow.  Till then!a

Day 111b--Just your average "thin-skinned doormat employee who's too afraid to quit"

I don't like my job working at the hotel.  And I'm utterly stuck there.  In all fairness I really love our guests and what I do isn't especially hard.  But (1) my co-workers are rude to me, (2) my bosses never let me leave on time, (3) my paycheck seemed a little thin, (4) I felt like I was threatened to be fired yesterday, (5) my schedule is the absolute worst shifts, but (6) I've only worked there a month which is too long to quit cleanly but too short to start looking for something else.

I can show up in the best of moods but it doesn't help. To go a little more indepth about the shittiness of the job...(1) I work with the ice queens of San Diego.  They don't want to talk to me, they don't want to help me, and they disagree with me about everything just to disagree.  Oh, then there was that time when we were causally talking about me taking Sundays off from now on (which are utterly dead and they've sent me home early anyway). I explained that I had been hired on for 4 days and have been really grateful for 5, but I really do need that extra day.  Plus I never get to spend time with my boyfriend since we work opposite schedules and the whole reason I moved here was for us.  The response was a snappy, "I never see my husband." Well shit, girl, take some time off.  It's a very discouraging environment to spend 40 hours+ of my week.

(2) If I work with L-- or T-- I will not leave on time.  Ever.  And look, maybe 7:40 or 11:15 is only 10-15 minutes to them, but when I've already been there for eight and a half hours and I'm tired, hungry, and have plans to be somewhere, yeah, I need to leave.  The worst of it is, they make a stink when I say goodbye, like it's wrong to leave.

(3) My paycheck seems a little thin this time.  It's probably accurate when I do the math of my hours -minus all the taxes I take out, but for some reason I thought it would be more.  I recently cost my company $150 because I didn't call a guest back to tell him we didn't have an extension cord for him to use and he wrote a complaint, so I'm not really in a position to go over my hours bit by bit with the HR lady who wanted to fire me yesterday.

(4) See above for almost being fired because I didn't call someone back.  Yes it was a big deal.  I'm sorry and I still feel really bad about the whole thing because of how big of deal they made it. I feel like I'm walking around with a mark on my back.  It doesn't promote teamwork and it doesn't make it feel welcome.  I mean, I'll try harder to deal with the abuse just to keep my job, which fucks me over, but it makes me want to quit a little sooner which fucks them over.

(5) 11am to 7:30pm is the worst shift at the hotel.  11 means I have to leave home by 10:30am.  This is late enough to maybe do an errand or two, but most stores don't open at 9 and with the commute it's only really an hour to get something done and not feel stressed about being late. With a 11-7:30 my lunch break time falls right at shift change to my least favorite boss (LFB).  If there is an additional person I can go to lunch before she gets there (so around 2:20).  However, if there is only one cashier, I'm not leaving until the LFB shows up and is settled enough to let me leave (which isn't until at least 3:30-4), and she always makes a stink with her expressions about me leaving.  Needless to say, I never go home on time.  She always manages to take her smoke break or extended lunch until 7:40.  I tried to talk about this with a sympathetic co-worker who told me to get over it.  Luckily my favorite co-worker who I've only worked with twice was there this week and completely 100% bitched about LFB and how inhumane making us late to go home.

(6) I could look for a different job and just leave it off my resume, but then I would have a 4 month gap in my resume.  I could leave it on my resume but it looks piss poor to a company to be leaving a job after only a month.  I could try to transfer but I don't think they'd want someone still in training.  So I'm stuck.  I figure that once my internship is over in late October I'll start looking then.  By that time my schedule will have opened up and I would have been working my hotel job for going on 4 months. 

So that's that.  Underpaid, mistreated, discouraged, but employed and too afraid in this economy to quit and possible not find work for too many weeks or months.  And look, I understand that a lot of people out there hate their jobs so why the hell do I think I'm so special that I have to work with Care Bear co-workers and lots of sunshine?  Because it's right.  Because it's fair.  Because if I have to be somewhere for 40 hours a week to live my life, I don't want to feel so drained and unhappy that I ruin my life outside of work.  Fairness is possible.  Maybe I'm an idealist and stupid, but I refuse to settle for unhappy bullshit for the next three decades before I retire and I don't understand why anyone else would.

Day 111a-- Missing that old twisty tree

Finally; a chance to write.  It's been a really weird day all day, and I wonder if I'm fighting off a cold or if it's just unsettled unhappiness with one of my jobs.  More on that in a different post.

Today I was at my desk in the warehouse where my book publisher is located, with gray cubicles walls around me and way too much glow from the computer screen, and all I could think about was that twisty tree in my backyard I used to sit in as a kid and watch the soccer games happening at my junior high just over our fence.  I haven't thought about that tree much in the past 9 or so years, but today I oddly miss it.

Maybe it's the changing of the seasons getting to me, but today I wish I could be sitting in that old twisty tree, watching a soccer game, knowing how precious junior high years are before the competition and the hype of high school, waiting for my dad to come home so we can get our weekly Roundtable pizza, waiting for my mom to come home and remembering her pretty face, playing with Misty our golden cocker spaniel, writing letters to Brittney W---, my pen pal, wondering if the afternoon would never end.  :)

Day 108-- 6 Quick Snacks at 2am

When you come home from the bars a little after last call the very first thought in your mind is what? Food.  If you don't feel like spending the $7 on some awful burrito you wouldn't eat sober, here are 6 quick snacks at 2am.

1.) Chocolate covered pretzels.

Melt a chocolate bar in the microwave, stir in the pretzels, place the coco-pretzels on a sheet of tin foil and stick in the refrigerator for 10 minutes to harden a bit.  Sweet and salty--can't go wrong.

2.)  Peanut butter jelly sandwich

When's the last time you had a peanut butter jelly sandwich?  I have to thank my current roommate for making all of us PB&Js after a night out a few weeks back.  It completely hit the spot.

3.) Mac and Cheese

Not the healthiest, but it takes what, 10-15 minutes for a meal that never fails.  Honestly, I can't think of a single time when I didn't enjoy a delicious bowl of Mac and Cheese.  Personally I like the spirals. 

4.) Quesadillas 

A tortilla, some cheese, and a frying pan=done.  Granted I like to add a bit of bell pepper, black olives, and any left over chicken into mine.  For some strange reason quesadillas cost from $3-10 at restaurants when they cost like 40 cents to make at home and take like 3 minutes to cook.

5.) Soup

There have been several late nights when heating up a can of soup was the best way to end the night.  It's nice and warm and perfect for relaxing to some late night before bed.

6.) Pancakes

I have to thank my college roommate for this one.  Whenever she was drunk she had an unusual craving for pancakes.  Ihop is the place to be around 2am, but if you're heading home, pancakes take 5 minutes or less with some Bisquick, an egg, and a bit of milk.  I miss you, roommate, and your never-ending stack of pancakes that were supposed to refill themselves automatically like the ones in the commercial.

Day 107--Postal Service mornings

I love morning that start with The Postal Service and a new chapter of fanfiction.  My boyfriend and I got to sleep in today in the first time in ages and it was absolutely delightful to be nice and warm together instead of that damned alarm clock screeching at one of us.  

It feels like an overcast day in the beach, which is how I like it the mornings.  If every day could start with light rain in the morning, and burn into hot sunshine by noon I would be a happiest person.  

I have a little less than 5 hours before work so I think we might start some laundry at the laundry mat and do a grocery run.  I'm dying to get some BBQ food now since my mom bought him a little grill.  I have an usual desire to grill bananas.  We'll see.

My presentation of hosting a contest to get a high school student published went really well.  I impressed my she-enemy by my thoroughness of grant research and she was much more talkative to me the rest of the day.  I probably overdid it by praising her too much in the meeting, but I was nervous.  D., who's in charge of design (book cover design, type of paper, type of font, number of pages, ect) suggested a theme of "Overcoming Bullying" for the contest as an outlet for the students and as a way to partner with a non-profit for grants.  And all of them think that funding will be feasible within the year deadline I've created. The owner came up to me later in the day to congratulate me on my publishing contest idea--which completely validated that publishing is a career I can be a part of. I was giddy all the way home.

I also had an author event later that night with Richard Carrico who was presenting a lecture about Judy Van Der Veer, a prolific writer from Ramona, San Diego back in the 40s, 50s, 60s, and 70s.  She was a remarkable women who ran her own ranch all her life and hung out with the widows of London and Steinbeck, and famous female rodeo riders from WWII.  She was well-reviewed in the NY Times and Europe as well as San Diego.  But she's been largely forgotten today.  Ursula Le Guin and Carrico are trying to bring her back to the forefront.  Carrico is such a typical academic writer.  Thorough, funny, but with a haughtiness that peeks out a little too much.

Anyway, I better get going.  I saw that I missed a call from a good old friend last night and I'm excited to catch up.  Till next time!

Day 106-- Family and Happiness

My mom and aunts have been visiting me in San Diego this past week and I have to say, I really enjoyed their company.

Thank God for my boyfriend.  He's seriously the very best boyfriend in the world for being my partner this week and helping me with them as I've been juggling my two jobs while he has his own.

I set out to spent time with each one individually and for the first time in about a decade I felt like I had family.  We're an odd, disconnected bunch that only got further strained during my parents' divorce and my move to Arizona.  There are exactly three sisters, and I only have one cousin, and he's 36, married, and on the other side of the country.  I've gotten used to apartness and when I was told they were coming my thoughts weren't of the pleasant variety. 

The sisters are so different.  You would only know that they were sisters by their height instead of their personalities.  

The youngest Aunt, Aunt W-- has, for the majority of my life, been the panic-y one who would tell me about the ghosts of the neighborhood as we would drive home and freak me out so bad I couldn't sleep.  She never had kids so her kid filter isn't too keen.  But now at 44 and me at 23 we got along like she was my neighbor.  She fit right along into our hippy beach town with her sundresses and cowboy hat. 

She's on a real individual kick right now, getting back into signing, reconnecting with friends, and reevaluating her marriage to a musician.  She liked my gusto and told me to not listen to a damn thing my mom says about "what's right" for me if it has anything to do with stability.  Have my own life.  Have my own path. She's mature but not retiring her youthfulness.  Out of the sisters she's the most vivacious in her own life and the most understanding towards me.

From her I got to hear stories of the mom I barely remember--the fun spontaneous one who was the life of the party though always prudent and a tad prudish.  I got to hear about the dad I never knew--the one before the alcoholism and the rage--who was funny, sane, blunt, and kind.  I don't have a single memory of my parents being happy.  No, I mean that sincerely.  I don't have a single memory.  I'm not bitter about it or anything it's simple factually I never thought was strange until recently.

But I'm tangenting.

My mom is the middle one.  When I was a kid I only remember her around on weekends when we'd go on some awesome adventures togethers.  During the separation and divorce I remember her as one of the strongest women in my life.  When she got married to my step-dad I saw her feminism surrendered.  She likes being a housewife to a former military-cop-real estate agent type.  They love each other and gave each other what they were looking for, but I lost my mom.  Her whimsy is shown in beautiful and thoughtful material gifts she gives me (which I appreciate) instead of her adventure and pranks (which I would prefer).  I mean this sincerely, she has a heart of gold.  Out of the sisters I think she cares the absolute most about people and their happiness.

And I miss my father more and more each day.  If he were here he'd be BBQing in the back with a beer in his hand, and while we wouldn't be the closest relationship, we'd get a slice of pizza when we felt like it and bitch about the neighbors and thift shop together.  He'd be a balance for my mom's controlling nature and would counter her neurotic worries that have gotten worse.  I miss them both, I guess.

My other aunt is the oldest at 60 but has the energy of 50.  She recently ran for office in her town, and while we're usually on opposite sides of the political spectrum, her simple awareness and concern of the state of the world is refreshing and keeps people on their toes.  She loves history and education, family, and being mostly right all the time but with that wild-child-grew-up-in-the-60s vibe hidden underneath.  

She got stoned in San Diego for the first time in decades and it was the funniest shit I've ever seen [this blog is anonymous for a reason].  It wasn't a completely mellow experience for her, but the next day she could say with a laugh and a wink that she could cross it off her list. We spent some of the day together in Old Town looking at the sites and talking about voting, history, and what a college degree means and doesn't mean in the worst economy since the Depression.  Out of the sisters I think she's the most informed about the country in how it used to be, how it is now, and what real life means when you walk outside theories.

I would call the trip a success.  The youngest aunt got to get away from it all for a few days, go to the beach, clear her head, speak her mind, see some cool shit, and go home with vigor.  My eldest aunt will go home refreshed from the ocean, and satisfied about the museums, the painting, the exhibits, and the conversations she got to have (plus the taffy she's taking home).  My mom will go home happy that she went to the zoo,  Balboa Park, and Del Mar, and that I'm doing well with a job and internship and supportive relationship.  But she'll be rattled that my boyfriend works at a collective [this blog is anonymous for a reason], that I live in a grungy hippy part of town instead of the pristine suburb life, and that I stick up for myself when she's being bossy.  My mom's a hard nut to crack but I hope that honesty helps.  I hope that I showed her enough love.  I should write her a note.

And once again I can't say enough about my boyfriend.  He picked my aunts up from the airport, he was honest with my mom about what he does for a living, he woke up hella early to have breakfast with my family before I had to leave for work this week, he hung out with my Aunt W. when I couldn't pick her up due to work, and today he really really impressed me.  It's my mom and eldest aunt's last night in San Diego and it was really important to me to have dinner with them before they left.  I knew the bf was exhausted and not hungry and settled at home, but he showed up in a crisp white oxford, a nice shave, and his charming smile.  I think I fell in love with him a little more in that moment.

Dinner was easy, flowing, and comfortable--like we've been getting together a million times over carne asada tacos and live music in a beautiful 1920s restaurant.  I felt like I had a solid family today and I'm so glad that he was a part of it.  And I'm grateful to my mom aunts for coming out and being so positive about exploring our town.  I love it here.

Well I got to go.  I have a presentation tomorrow I'm not prepared.  Today was my first day off in 3 weeks and I'm itching to call off tomorrow for a little more time.  Tis life.  Blog entries should be more frequently this week and hopefully with some recipes, tips, and good vibes.  Till then! 

 

Day 99-- Early morning, she wakes up

It's a little past 9am and I have "Lucky" by Britney Spears stuck in my head.  "Early morning/ she wakes up/knock knock knock on the door".

My boyfriend started an internship this week and this morning I watched him struggle waking up for the morning shift doing more or less what I do every day.  Feeling a little sick first thing in the morning?  Check.  Looked for food that kinda wasn't there? Check.  Want to stand around and have a moment of peace before work but can't? Check. Digging around for the right work clothes?  Check.  Almost out the door and late but can't find that one fucking thing you know is here somewhere?  Check.

A part of me really wants to blow of my internship today so I can have my first day off in two weeks.  But one of the women I worked with calmly bitched me out on Tuesday for asking the head boss last week if I could  join the meeting, not her.  Apparently she's my boss though every day for the last month she's told me to ask Kara what tasks to do each day, not her, and she never make it clear that she's in charge.

(sigh).  Yesterday was good.  I think I'm finally getting the hang of the front desk job.  For various tasks I would remember steps 1-3, forget 4, remember 5, kinda know 6, ect, and now I know steps 1-10, but forget 11, ect.  I annoyed a co-worker by bitching about everyone's least favorite grave-shift audit worker who makes everyone late coming home.  I was telling my co-worker how frustrating it is that I've had reservations or plans and have been late for them.  She snottily told me to deal with it and to get used to being late.  I rebutted that I have no problem staying later to finish tasks--of course I will--but when I'm 30 minutes late because of someone else's lack of consideration it's not acceptable.

How do you handle this situation?  When I'm off at 7:30 I expect to be off at 7:30.  If a guest needs something, sure I can do one last time or help a co-worker out getting one last thing done, but if someone is purposely making me late because they don't bother showing up on time or feel like taking a long smoke break right before I'm supposed to leave how is that ok?  

Yes, it looks better to not complain and deal with.  And obviously I will and have been.  And if it really bothers me, yes I'll find another job.  But the rightness vs wrongness of the whole matter, plus the co-worker defending shitty behavior just gets to me.  On the bright side I had these crazy funny 40-something married guests who just loved me yesterday and would yell my name across the halls, told my boss to give me a raise, and told all of us that they're buying us lunch.  

It was a nice way of ending the work day and I got off early enough to go to Walmart and buy a curtain rod and still meet up with the roommates and neighbors for the farmers market.  I bought a yummy peach, sampled pesto, bought some so-so black olive bread, and took home some onion rings. The other roommate came home with some homemade zucchini bread we all shared over conversations of traveling, bad bosses, pot legalization, and going to Sea World.

Today should be interesting.  I'm going to try to clean up the room before I leave.  I need to take off in about  20.  Hopefully the bf and I will go grocery shopping when I get home and do a few loads of laundry.  If I have enough time I really want to finish my friend's much belated birthday cd mix and look on craigslist for a place to live.   Got to run!

Day 97-- The 56 hour work week

Me not posting in a week should definitely tell you how busy I am.  Last week I worked 51 hours, this week I'm in the process of working 56.  I'll get my first day off in over two weeks is next Wednesday, and even then I have plans.

It's all about picking and choosing what to do with my precious free hours.  I have maybe 3-4 hours tops during the day to get my personal life in order and most of those hours are spent eating or showering.  I've been meaning to trim my nails, get my pants hemmed, head to Borders before it closes, finish this cd mix I've been working on for over a week, and start walking again.

Last night was a perfect example.  I was suppose to get off at 7:30pm and I knew I had to be home by 8pm because I was taking my boyfriend out for a dinner date and the place closed at 9.  Well the night staff doesn't give a shit about other people's time and around 7:24 my manager decides to take a "10 minute break" which lasted until 7:40pm.  She even asked me to get a project started before I left, making me feel guilty for leaving.  

Once I got home I rushed into a dress and heels, and even though it's close enough to walk, I was so stressed on time that I requested we drive.  

The meal was excellent and much needed.  We went to a place right next to the ocean where little candles lit up the tables and the steak is always top notch.  I felt like my schedule was make me grumpy towards my bf and I definitely have seen him becoming more distant and snappy with me this week.  We talked about it this morning and he immediately started helping me with things when I had to go to work and I decided that some romance on my end would be a nice change.  

We got home and while I needed to work on about 5 different projects--2 for my internship, 1 birthday present, and 2 errands, some old friends were over and it's always always always more meaningful and important to spend time with old friends or just beginning friends than to be a productive hermit with no friends.  

I went to bed late and was up early.  And now I have exactly 4 minutes to change, pack my shit, and leave for my other job.  I might edit this later.  Bye!

Day 90-- 6 Things I Accidentally Learned in College

There are many things I was taught in college, but the best wisdom happened by accident.  Here are 7 things I accidentally learned in college.

1.) Be a flake, SPARINGLY

A flake is someone who has options.  In college it's important to be in-demand and a little bit of mystery--much like the dating game--because it increases your options of which party to go to and who to see tonight, as you're known to be unpredictable.  But.  But don't be a constant flake, for it will give you a reputation of being unreliable, which can bite you in the ass for networking and getting help when you need it down the road.  And a little preview: flakes have less friends as they get older.  It becomes harder coordinate free time with people once they have a career and family so if you flake on a hang-out, you might not get another chance for weeks or months. Bottom line: Don't be that pathetic friend waiting at home for a phone call and says yes to everything, but don't be so hard to see that people will simply not bother.

2.) Long-distance relationship and friendships are possible

Fact: The only thing a long-distance friendship needs for it to work is a phone call a piece once every other month.  Just a check-in every month or so to ask what's going on and remind them that you still care.  The underlining trick is that both people need to invest in the relationship, so if you can manage a 20-minute call every two months, you're golden.

On the romantic end, my boyfriend and I lived 5.5 hours away from each other, but by each of us making a trip out one weekend a month and calling at least once a day, we managed to survive all of college.  It's definitely not easy that your person is missing from the events of your life but a day recap and every other weekend immersing in each other's worlds worked for us and was a really cool way to sorta live in two places at once.

Honestly, it's worth it.  Go call your friend!

3.) Death isn't over in one day

My dad passed away my first semester of college on a Sunday night.  That Monday I wore the most grown-up clothes I owned and made arrangements with a funeral director about those details you never think you'd have to decide on like the type of dark oak wood for his casket.

Chances are, in college you will deal with, or will know someone who will deal with death.  What's important to understand is that the grief of the loved one isn't over when the funeral's over.  It's every time you want to call them and you can't.  Every single holiday.  Every birthday.  Looking into the stands and knowing that my dad wasn't there for my college graduation hurt worse than the day he died.  Be gentle on yourself and please please, be understanding towards your friend or roommate or boyfriend/girlfriend dealing with it for years to come.  Sometimes the person just wants to be reflective and nostalgic versus sad.

4.) Cd mixes still make the best presents

The soundtracks of college are always a good choice when it comes to gifts.  They're homemade but cheap.  Perfect for birthdays and Christmas or just random fun.

5.) Facebook is a literary device

One of my favorite things I learned in college was the Panopticon Effect. Jeremy Bentham was an 18th century philosopher and social theorist who designed a prison architecture plan in which the prisoners were under constant surveillance but would never know when they were being watched.  Literary theorist Foucoult predicted that supposed surveillance in prisons and other areas would result in self-discipline.  The Panopticon Effect is widely disputed for its effectiveness.  Some studies show that constant video monitoring results in distrust in those being watched (such as the high schoolers in the Biloxi, Mississippi school district), some evidence like prolonged documentary footage has the subjects ignoring the surveillance after a while, and more studies show that people can being more outrageous when they know someone might be watching--aka facebook.  

6.) Go to Walmart and buy yourself (1) a set of margarita glasses (2) a set of martini glasses (3) a set of beer glasses and (4) a set of mugs and (5) plastic cups.

Hello, party/kick-back/pre-party/study session/roommate night/rager/after-party! Aka, the best purchases I made in college aside from tuition.  P.s. DO NOT buy cheap vodka.  Just don't.  Oh and stay away from Jose Cuervo.  Do make jello shots.  Lots of them. =)