Day 115-- How to win a fight with an angry girlfriend

When you get into a fight with your girlfriend you're not just up against her immediate anger.  Nope, you're fighting with hours of stewing, over-analyzing, and calculation.  Here are 10 tips for winning a fight with an angry girlfriend.

I got into a 100% average, 100% common, 100% foreseeable spat with my boyfriend last night and it made me think of the ways us girls work and how our boyfriends could benefit from knowing how our raging brains wage war against you time to time.

Once again, this blog is wonderfully anonymous and I'll use last night's fight as examples.

1.) You're already losing--this fight started hours ago and you didn't even know it.

There's a concept in psychology that a "mood" is a state of enhanced readiness to experience a certain emotion.  That thing you did this morning peeved your girlfriend enough that she's now in a mood to get pissed off at you for something entirely different.

In our spat last night my mood was only at "pissed off" at 2am because (1) At 2:30pm I was folding laundry and trying to clean the room before work while he was writing an email = miffed. (2) While he said thanks before I left, it was rushed and reactionary.  By 7pm he hadn't texted me an I love you or something = a little more miffed. (3) This would have been fine if I had come home and he would have kissed me with a smile, but instead the house was empty and the room was still a mess = annoyed. (4) I was actually enjoying my solo time but by 1am and no word from him = feeling forgotten.  (5) Not being told where he was until 1:30am meant I didn't get there until last call when they wouldn't let me in = annoyed. (6) His buddy mentioning the group of dumb girls they talked to and my boyfriend joking that--yes, he loves me and is happy we're dating--but if he had been single he could have messed with their heads = raging pissed.

My advice: Be calm and loving.  She's looking for a fight so meet her anger with peace and comprise to throw her off balance and possibly solve the fight before she gets the chance to yell.

2.) Witnesses can help your cause or may be the reason she's pissed

I've been to way too many parties where the girl storms off because of something the boyfriend did in public.  On the flip-side I've also been in situations where the girl is pissed, but because there are witnesses she'll try to forgive him quicker.  In each case, if the boyfriend winks at her or makes an effort to hug her or kiss her in public the fight can be avoided.  Unless that's how it started.

Part of the reason for the spat was the buddy he was with.  The friend already thinks I'm weird for not drinking or wanting to go out to the bars 4-5 nights a week so it was important for me to make it out and not look like a bore.  Further more, I don't care that my boyfriend chatted with girls because he's the most loyal son of a bitch I know and trust but the friend isn't.  

Look, I'm a bartender at a hotel twice a week and not a single day goes by that some guy isn't giving me his number or asking for mine or asking what time I get off.  I don't correct them that I'm taken (more tips), I don't do anything more than chatting.  I'm glad my boyfriend was honest last night, but since he was with player company it bothered me more.  If it had been with a guy friend I know and trust I would have laughed and joked with them that, "I could've have gotten her more than you could have."

My advice: look around you, will having witness help or hurt the situation?  Pick the best option.

3.) If she's mad on principle, use future language. 

Almost every girl I know has gotten into at least one fight with her boyfriend when she actually wasn't mad, but she had to pretend to be.  She might not care that you're doing it this time, but she doesn't want you to think that you can get away with it in the future. 

When I came home to an empty house last night I was thrilled.  I never get me time anymore.  I took a long shower, dried my hair, put on some Kings of Leon, cleaned the room and read gossip articles in my bra and cute boy-shorts, lit some candles, ect.  I honestly didn't care that the bf was out and didn't tell me.  But.  But in the future a simple, "Hey, I'm out with the neighbors if you want to join" is what I want. 

My advice: Tell her that you don't want what happened to happen again so next time you will ___.  You don't have to mean it, but as long as she hears it you'll be a little more in the clear.

4.) Exploit her forgiveness weakness

Most girls have a forgiveness weakness, whether that's making her laugh or giving her a small gift, or whatever.  My weakness lies in my feet.  I will give up national secrets for a foot massage and 9 times out of 10 I will be in a better mood if my feet are warm.  Needless to say, my boyfriend discovered that during the spat my feet were cold and in warming them up and kissing my stomach 70% of all my anger disappeared.  

My advice: this one takes time to figure out of your girlfriend works.  As a general rule though, any kind of touch is usually good though if she'll allow it.

5.) Say "I'm sorry", even if it's in a twisty way.

If you're sorry by all means, look her in the eye and tell her that you're sorry.  If you're not sorry, say something similar enough to fool her like, "I'm sorry that the night ended this way", "I love you, I don't like it when we argue", "I want us to fun night, it sucks that this has happened, but I think the night can still be really great," ect.

My advice: say I'm sorry for whatever is true.  If she's a raging bitch who is trying to ruin your night, saying "You're being a raging bitch who's trying to ruin my night" isn't going to make her stop, but saying, "I'm sorry this is going on, but I think we can have a fun night together, I love you," might.

6.) The next day is key.  Don't be an asshole straight away.

We girls are talented at many things and holding a grudge is one of them.  Maybe we forgave you 90% last night, but you're still 10% in the dog house for getting us pissed off in the first place.  In the morning be loving and acknowledge what happened the day before (least you want a silent cold war because she sure as hell isn't going to mention it).

This is the moment to actually fight.  (1) If you're the complete fuck up, this is the time to sincerely apologize for it. (2) If you don't think you did anything wrong but want it to simply go away, this is the time to be mellow and say that it sucked how it turned out and that you're happy it's a new day and I love you.  (3) If the fight was really her fault, this is the time to say, I don't want this to happen in the future what can we do next time? She'll give you reasons you messed up and you counter her reasons and show her how she was wrong.  Girls hate being wrong, but if you frame it in a way of making it better for her in the future she'll be more understanding and apologetic.   

My advice: wake up happy, calm, acknowledge things right away, and either quickly apologize for it or be prepared for a grown-up conversation to show her how you weren't the bad guy.

7.) Get her to come.

If you can get a girl to orgasm you're already 90% forgiven.  Thank you, love.

8.) Don't fuck up in the following day or two.

If you act normal and nothing else happens over the next day or two, the fight was an event in time.  However, if you piss her off too soon, suddenly she's accusing you of having a pattern of shitty behavior.

My advice: act normal but with a tad more caution.

9.) Sometimes it's not you at all.

Honestly, sometimes fights aren't about you at all and are in fact about work, or stress, or that friend not calling her back.  The best girlfriend can acknowledge that she's the one being the asshole if you show her how she was acting overly aggressive towards you.  Then again, maybe the fight was caused by you and hopefully you addressed it and won't do it again. 

My advice: if it isn't you, don't ask her about it while she's still pissed because she'll lie about it and get even more pissed off.  Once she's cooled off, ask her how life is going.  You don't really have to listen, but the simple act of asking will score you major points.

10.) Remember next week

Long-lasting couples fight with next week in mind.  They could hate each other day but since they want to make it next week they're more willing to compromise and get over it. 

My advice: Look to the future to solve today's problems.

Good luck, gentlemen.