Day 184-- Breaking Dawn: Part 1 movie review

A lawyer, a blogger, and a pot grower walk into a Twilight movie...

Going to a Twilight movie is a little like shopping at Walmart: you don't want to admit that you choose to shop at Walmart but secretly it has everything you're looking for. Twilight is about someone loving you for eternity.  It’s about being different and finally finding your clan of outsiders.  It’s about magic and transformation.  Or it’s about hipster soundtracks and perfectly manicured eyebrows.

As the world knows, in this edition of the series, Bella and Edward are getting married.  There are exactly two things I think about when I see Bella Swan (portrayed by a whining Kristen Stewart): (1) so this is why feminism is dead and millions of girls want semi-emotionally abusive relationships and get pregnant out of high school, and (2) I love her hair!  

*spoilers now until the end*

I found the pre-wedding scene obnoxiously boring.  Were lame cold feet jokes ever funny? Ever?  And now that I think of it, why does Edward get a bachelor party and Bella stays home alone before her wedding day?  Does this girl not have friends?  Oh, right not since Edward. More on that later.

Before I rip this movie to shreds I must first say that I absolutely loved the first movie for its fun, spunk, and easy romance. In that first movie I understood why Bella and Edward would be drawn to each other: the looks, the curiosity, the emo personality match, and most of all, the chemistry.

But why are these people getting married?  They’re both depressives and they both kinda like Breakfast at Tiffany's?  Yes, I read the books, and I still don’t get why they’re together.  It’s always suicide attempts with these two, instead of ice skating dates and Cherrios.

Moving on.  I did like the wedding scene and am a little more tempted to move to the Pacific Northwest just to get married with the trees and twinkling lights.  Kudos to the little light people on set.  The vows were nice, the dress was ok (Bella’s no Kate Middleton), and the supporting characters were cracking me up at each line.

I think that’s another reason I hate what the movies turned into: I simply prefer Bella’s human life and I don’t see why it couldn’t be integrated more.  I absolutely adore her friends with their humor and warmth.  Why did Bella get so isolated once she started dating Edward?  Isolation is the first sign of abuse, they say…

Let’s move on to the honeymoon.  Can we all agree that the Honeymoon suite aka a frickin island--a gift from dad to his vampire son with a high school degree and no job who still lives at home, is not for the Occupy generation?  Oh my dismal paycheck despite a college degree…

Ok, fine I’m jealous.  The suite was absolutely stunning and goddamn it I want my future house to be a mix of Brazil and Pottery Barn.

Bella figuring out lingerie was hilariously awkward.  Been there, done that, sweetheart.  

Yes, I wish the sex scene was longer.  Though for what was shown, I thought it was a nice scene to give the fans what they want.

However, we need to talk about the bruises after the fact.  In the words of my former roommate, “It’s not good sex unless you’re sore afterward.”  Yes and no.  Now anyone who has read the books, they know that Edward with his vampire strength sincerely cannot control his strength around Bella, so the bruises caused by their intimacy is something he’s dreadfully ashamed of and regrets.  Will a 15 year old understand this?  Will she understand that bruises by a normal boyfriend is not ok? 

I’m pro-S&M, but there is a very clear line between pleasure and abuse and I truly worry that a teenager seeing this movie will not get the distinction in real life.  I hope they do.

Which brings be back to Edward: abuser or misunderstood?  In the movies I see him as an abuser.  Bella becomes isolated from her friends, lies to her parents about the seriousness of her health and situations, he bruises her,  he has no job, he still lives with his parents, and eventually he will kill her so they can be together.  Sid Vicious, anyone?  

However, Edward comes across much kinder in the books.  He is often filled with regret of his vampire needs, he is encouraging of Bella living a normal life with him for a little longer, he is a savior and protector, he is a gentleman with a soul and a slight sense of humor.  What the fuck happened, Robert Pattinson? 

Back to Breaking Dawn: Part 1.  Wow, that pregnancy was fast.  Bella turning into a grotesque skeleton with a swelling belly happened fast.  “This is what happens when you have sex,” I said to the lawyer.    

I have to say I didn’t expect a pro-choice debate during a Twilight movie, but touché.  The lawyer and I had a few laughs whenever the word ‘fetus’ and ‘baby’ were thrown around and we’re look at each other and say, “fetus.” 

Bella looks more and more like a Holocaust victim, no one informs her parents she’s on the brink of death, and her ex Jacob is always invited in the same room as her baby daddy (rude). “This is what happens when you have sex.”

I did enjoy the scene when Edward listens to the baby for the first time and the couple share a loving moment of true joy.  Let’s hope it doesn’t turn into more 16 and Pregnant episodes.

Bella's pregnancy was actually my favorite part of the book Breaking Dawn because she finally found her own voice and agency by keeping the baby.  She grew up and became a strong woman.  Not so much with Kristen Stewart who remains as annoying (and beautiful) as ever. 

HOLY FUCK. The birth scene.  The blood.  The biting.  The gray skin getting stretched over bones. “This is what happens when you have sex” turned into “I’m never having sex again.” Looking at my boyfriend with his confused and disturbed expression on his face, I’d dare say he agreed.

So it’s a happy vampire family killing and drinking blood and Iron &White songs.

I can’t wait for the next one!...No, I actually mean that.  I will probably be in line at midnight next Spring.

My good friend who’s graduating from film school in two weeks and I had a very long discussion about the Twilight series for its film quality, plot, acting, Edward’s morality lost on screen, their relationship not developed enough on screen, and of course, the soundtrack.  We ended the discussion talking about how disturbing the movie was or wasn’t based on the blood and teenage pregnancy.

Me: “I have to give [my boyfriend] credit.  We were debating the silliness vs the disturbia of the whole thing when I said, “People don’t sparkle and vampires aren’t real and the whole thing is silly.” He said, "This stuff happens in real life.  People do get married at 18.  People do have kids really young.  There are pregnancies where a woman has to choose between the baby and her own life.  These are real issues, and that’s why you find this movie disturbing.”  

Well shit, maybe a Twilight movie was the most honest movie I’ve seen all year.  I asked my film graduating friend her expert opinion on the matter.

Her: "........There should have been more sparkles.”

Me: “You know I’m going to end my review with that.”

Her: “…….There should have been more fucking sparkles.”