So much to talk about, and so many entries in draft, like Chasing the White Russian, My First Trip to Planned Parenthood, Fun Facts About Female Sexuality, My Easter Brunch Menu, and possibly a movie review of The Hunger Games if my beezy co-worker doesn't flake on me again, and maybe a play (in book form) review on The Ice Man Cometh which took me forever to finish.
So without further ado here are some thoughts on this Wednesday:
Call your old friends today. Um, like now, lazy bum:
I love when my oldies/besties call me and these past few days have been no exception. I had such a good laugh as one of them told me about this awful non-date she went on with a surprise Jesus-freak. She: "He told me that he wasn't ready for a relationship because he was already in a relationship with God." Me: "He might be in a relationship with God but his dick isn't." She'll be writing about it herself so I won't go too into it, but lemme tell you fellas out there, preaching on a first date that God already knows who your wife and children will be comes across as Law and Order: SVU-style creepy.
And it was good to hear from my other friend whose German friends were once again in the States and how they oddly love in Arizona. My friend is doing well over there with the good pay and excitement of visits and going to her friend's bridal showers and her bf landing that job he wanted (though now he's more busy) and such and such, and it makes me more than a lil proud on how happy and solid she's become holding it down in our town.
And it was such a relief to talk to them about shit over here. As I described it to one of them, "It feels a lot like the last few months of high school when you know that change will be happening, and life will be changing, and you'll be moving to a new place and new things, and some days you're ready and excited about it, and other days you're sad and definitely not ready just yet." The truth is, I still really love it in San Diego and the "dirt and licorice sticks and candle wax" of living this kind of life, but I can't shake the itch that this isn't the right place for me and I just have to go. I just have to move to Portland when my lease is up in July. And maybe it's a pipe dream and I'll absolute hate it and I'll be floundering there just as much as here. But I have to find out.
And of course, the situation with the bf. On the day-to-day I'm still really happy with him. He's honestly the only person who makes me laugh heartily, and I still enjoy holding hands and going on adventures and our long conversations that span for hours, and on the short term I'm happy. It's that future thing. As I told them, I've never really known what I wanted to do in life but it's starting to become more in focus. I want to go to grad school, I want to get a masters, I want to live in Oregon, I want to work in communications, I might just want a PhD and what the hell, why not become a professor one day, and I want that life. And it's not that my boyfriend's life is wrong or bad in some way, it's just not my future. The money situation keeps getting worse with him. "And I don't want a situation where it's 5 years in the future and we share a mortgage and he can't pay rent. Or it's 5 years in the future and my boyfriend's getting arrested because his shop got raided."
So really the thing I'm struggling with is my own personal philosophy: DON'T GET INTO A FIGHT WITH SOMEONE OVER SOMETHING THAT HASN'T HAPPENED YET. It's like if I got angry with you for not calling me back a month from now. What? Exactly. It hasn't happened yet, so it's ridiculous to argue with you about it. But with a boyfriend and the future does become an issue.
My besties were great. The Miranda-one was simple and short: Go to Portland for you, and tell him if he gets his shit together then give you a call. And my Charlotte-one with her hope and female empowerment was supportive of me going up to OR at the end of July because hey, 'you said you'd give it a year and you did. You said you'd try and you did. And it was a good experience for you with the internship and living with a boyfriend for awhile and doing what you'd say you'd do. So there's no need for regret. And if he gets his shit together and comes with you then it was meant to be. If not, it was still good experience and moving opens up new opportunities.'
I don't want to regret this. I want it to be the right choice. Every major decision I've made in my life has been half-ass and I want my next ones to be 100% what I want. But like high school, there is no way of knowing what the future would be like until I'm in it. And like my boyfriend said, you fully progress until you've left your current level and are at a higher one. What I like about old friends is that they make big things so much more causal. And like she said, moving always brings new opportunities. I've forgotten about that in living here and getting comfortable.
And in talking to them I'm reminded of just how young we are. They've lived about 3-5 lives since I've met them (me too), so isn't it true that we have so much living ahead? So cheers to old friends, and call yours first thing!
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