Day 325 (b)-- What it was like being 23

Today is my last day of being 23.  It's cloudy out, which is slightly amusing because it was forecasted as sun! sun! sun! a few days ago.  But I'm enjoying it and might make some tea and look into the Bob Marley Documentary movie times--it is 4/20 after all ;) 

What was it like being 23 in 2011-2012?  On a nation-wide level, very common, on a personal level, accurate.  

I don't think I've had a year that fit me better than 23 in terms of what the age is suppose to mean.  Traditionally it's the year after college and a time of adjustment into the real world--which has that stereotype of being the "new" kid in the real world of pencil skirts and drinks out on Friday nights.  A mix of maturity and new responsibility without losing the edge of still being a baby-twentysomething with partying and taking shots.

When I say that I had a common 23 what I mean by that is that my entire class of 23 seems to have dealt with relatively the same issues: not enough jobs, not enough jobs we're qualified for due to our competition, too much poverty, and a huge whack to our self-confidence.  We have college degrees and for what?  We have passion and creativity but they're being wasted.  We're floundering but making the best of it and having a good time, but what if it never gets better or we lose our momentum?  

And maybe it's always been this way and maybe the quarterlife crisis and disillusionment is simply happening a little sooner and on a much larger scale.  But it's troubling to me just how many of my friends--who had excellent grades and honorable personalities--are working at burger shops, hotels, bathing suit stores, gardening stores, and coffee shops.  This is not what we wanted, this is not what was expected of us, and there is such this hidden shame amongst this group that we're not doing very well--I don't think I encountered a single 23 year old this year who didn't have a time of depression when it all seemed like they were floundering.  And maybe things will get better and maybe with a better economy and our new skills of hustling and saving, maybe then we will be more grateful and more prepared and we'll be those giants I know we can be.  I really hope so.  

As I said, on a personal level I think that 23 has been accurate to where I'm at in life.  Like the previous paragraph mentioned, the idea of college and jobs has been the more pervasive theme of the past 12 months.  As I've said in a few entries and in several conversations, "simple happiness is so underrated."  And I do believe that. I do think that there is something bastardized about simply being content in your life; that it's not good enough.  Why not enjoy the good life of sunsets and cocktails as long as you're happy? 

And I really do believe this, but I still can't help the want of more.  Maybe it's conditioning, maybe it's the investment of so much of my time and money.  I don't know.  But I do know that even when I've been so utterly happy in my life this year, like flying a kite on the beach, or blogging in a messy room of candles and licorice sticks, or going for long walks around the neighborhood, I still feel like I should be doing more.

23 has been an important for me in its juxtaposition of being happy, being afraid, being content, being unsatisfied, wanting, not wanting, should I be wanting, and hey life is pretty cool.  Things I've done this year:

-Graduated college

-Moved to San Diego

-Worked in publishing

-Lived with a boyfriend

-Worked at a hotel

-Didn't have health insurance

-Stopped living with a boyfriend

-Almost sued someone

-Became a California resident 

-Learned how to live poor

-Was nationally recognized at my job

-Figured out that I wanted to go to grad school someday

-Figured out that something in writing is a career path I want

-Had and am still having serious relationship issues around the idea of growing up

-Went to Planned Parenthood for the first time

-Smoked for the first time, finally got drunk for the first time

-Didn't get the job (well, several) for the first time
-Became a property owner with my car being paid off

-Learned how to cook

-Blogged!

All in all, a pretty educational year.  Am I happy where I am about to be 24?  Not really.  As I've been fighting with my boyfriend about lately, the life that I wanted to be at right now is this: living with my boyfriend in a cute apartment where we always have music playing and learning how to cook together and we both have jobs we love or jobs we hate but we can laugh it off because it's temporary, and we have BBQs with friends and I'm planning ahead for grad school in Oregon. 

So no, I'm not there yet.  But I really have learned quite a lot this year about what I want and more importantly, what I don't want.  I will not look back on 23 as a waste of time, but as a year of growing up and all that chaos of beauty and disgust that came with it.

And so my wish for 24: a set up for 25.  I want 24 to be a preparation year.  I want to thoroughly research the next city I plan on living in.  I want to research the graduate programs I might be applying to.  I want to study for the GRE.  I want to open up into making new friends and spending less time on the computer and more time in the world.  I want to stop being so lazy.  I want to save up for trips.  I want to get a job I respect.  In short, I want to be proud of where I am in life by 25 and I'm excited to get ready for it.  

And you know what, I'm not afraid of getting older.  Honestly.  I had an epiphany this year that I am the same core person I've always been my whole life.  So while circumstances change and what I do or how I react or how I handle things might change, I am still and always the same core person I am.  I'm still going to be me at 30 and 40 and 50 and 60 and beyond.  So it's ok, you know?  And I'm looking forward to it.

So thank you, 23.  It's been a ride.